I’ve spent many a long day, on my knees in motherhood. If you’re a parent, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
In the early days of being a single mum to three sweet babies under 15 months I was on my knees changing nappies; almost constantly. Especially when one of them got the squits!! Now that is an experience that can really test a person’s endurance. No sooner have you cleaned, bathed, triple creamed your baby’s bottom with a cocktail of natural and chemical based ointments, then you’re changing it again! And that’s just one baby!
My children are now 6, 5 and 5 and I’m still wearing all my jeans out at the knee – I actually walk around quite a lot on my knees, its way more energy efficient.
My first baby was 13.5 months old when his brother and sister were born – yes I’m a single mum to twin babies as well. And I have really only ever known single parenthood.
Just to satiate any curiosity, the children’s father lives in another country and the relationship was irreparable in its current state. So I left with a 7 month old baby and 3 months pregnant.
This particular experience I am sharing here is more about bending the knee in prayer and surrender, which is a fundamental strategy for not just survival but for living a great and powerful life.
From my current perspective, surrendering to the life force that is present in all experience, whether that takes on a physical form or a thought form, is what I like to put my attention on. From here, surrender isn’t only an act, or a doing thing, its a state of higher mind or consciousness. But we can all start somewhere and for me, at the beginning of my journey in to Self (God consciousness, spiritual awakening etc), surrender involved the physical act of bending the knee and agreeing that I know nothing about what’s truly happening.
In the early of early days there were definitely one or two of those ‘dark nights of the soul’ where a baby’s cries were coming a little too close to being interpreted as an invitation to commit murder. That’s a really fucking challenging part of motherhood that not many reveal but is most certainly more common than we would possibly like to acknowledge. Which is actually sad because it is the acknowledgement of these deep emotions of despair that actually kick start the healing.
Only one night did I actually feel so exhausted, broken, lost, squeezed dry of all of my reserves that I actually thought “I wish XX was no longer here.”
BOOM! WOW! That’s my baby. My beautiful little baby who I love with all my heart.
I recall having enough presence of mind to know that these feelings were a response to my exhaustion. And I knew enough to know that a problem shared is a problem halved. I was so rocked to my core at this revelation that I really wanted one of my children dead that I asked (My Self, God) “What do I have to do to not feel like this again? I am frightened. XX is innocent. What should I do?!”
It’s ok, I heard. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I think I must have taken a few deep breaths. And then I got up and went to my crying baby. I gave XX what XX called for and rolled back into bed, staring at the black hole the aperture of the window created in that dimly lit room. I just stared at it. Vague and vacant but both of us still breathing.
In those moments of numbness an inspiration occurred – I do not EVER want to feel guilty for these thoughts I’ve had. I owe it to my child and to myself to forgive and forget this.
Because of my level of spiritual awareness and practice I intuitively knew about the subtleties of energetic frequencies and felt so clearly that if I felt guilty, my behaviour would change towards my child and their life would be distorted in a way that would be of no benefit to either of us.
I made a pact with myself. That the next day, no matter how awful I may be feeling, I will take me and my 3 babies to baby group in the morning.
No matter how puffy my eyes, no matter how much I want to curl up into a ball and feel sorry for myself, or be ashamed of myself. No matter if its raining, no matter if all three of them decide to poo at the same time (yes that does happen) just as we’re about to leave. No matter what, I will go out of the house and go and be with others.
And more importantly, I’m going to tell someone what happened tonight. I’m going to tell someone. Because if I hide from this and pretend it didn’t happen then I’m buying into shame…and I’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m not sure how I felt the next morning but we went to baby group. A mum friend was there. I remember feeling happy to see her. We were both single mothers you see and I felt an understanding between us.
I remember sitting next her as our children busily played on the floor with plastic ding-dong, rattly type toys and she asked me “how are you?”
Now, here is a demonstration of sweet forgiving and forgetting.…
I replied: I had a really difficult night last night. It was the hardest night I’ve had with them to be honest.
My friend, she’s quietly listening with one eye locked on the children, assessing with the acuity of a bird of prey which of the toddlers are about to launch themselves onto another and potentially brain the other with said ding-dongy toy.
I continued: It was so hard that I actually wanted to kill one of them.
My friend, she looked at me, smiled and rubbed my shoulder.
And that was that.
I felt an incredible release wash over me. The sun started shining again. I felt a renewal. Did I hear angels sing? I very well might have.
One of her children needed her so she got up, just like normal, and attended to them and I remember watching her and thinking :
Wow, I thought this was so important. I thought that I was a really bad person because I wasn’t coping well. The truth is, I am coping well because I’m here, I’m trusting my intuition and I feel OK! A bit wobbly still but I feel OK.
And in that moment I felt so much love and tenderness towards myself, towards all other parents who at times also struggle especially in those long dark nights. And this remembrance of tenderness radiates out to all people who struggle in life. This is a story for you too. We are all struggling but the point is, we don’t need to be alone with our struggles. Isolation is not going to heal old wounds, connection will though.
When we share our darkness with another trustful being, without any expectation for forgiveness, when the sharing comes from a place of self compassion, self healing, self acceptance with the desire for complete illumination; well, magic happens. In an instant there becomes nothing to forgive and all negativity dissolves. So that all that is remembered is, this.
We are all Super Heroes.
If you’re struggling at the moment, reach out. If you’re carrying guilt or shame about something in your past, seek support. Go be the super hero that you really are – let it be you that feels light and free for a change.
If you resonate at all with any of this and just want to say “me too” you’re welcome to leave a comment or personal message me.
Anya Ward 