My Dad passed away from prostate cancer and secondary boney metastases in February 2009. That’s some 11 years ago now, I must have been 33 and he was young too.
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It had been a long, drawn out departure.
Quite alot of pain, humiliation, suffering and general sadness. It was especially sad when I saw that he could no longer hold a pen sufficiently to be able to sign a ‘housekeeping’ cheque for my mum – something that he’d always done, without fail (he’d fairly failed in many other areas of his life I’m pretty sure of that. But this was not one of them. Until now).
The air around that exchange smelt grim, I remember.
I think he left not long after that.
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I don’t often talk about him. To be honest I have no real cause to.. He was here, he did some stuff, he was loved, he felt unlovable, the same as pretty much all of us really.
But do you want to know something cool?
He died for me.
Well, he died for whoever but as this is my perspective; he died for me.
And he died for me, so that I may live.
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You’ve probably heard this somewhere before, something about the story of Jesus. I’m not that big into religion or ascended masters and the like but hand on heart, when my dad finally released himself from his body and left, I Really understood the metaphor.
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He died at his home in a hospital bed, in the downstairs part of the house. He was on a morphine syringe driver, no longer taking food or water and stopped speaking 48 hours prior to his death.
To my knowledge, his last word was “Anya” which he spoke into my ear, when I first sat down to greet him (I lived in London and had travelled up to be with him in his final days).
That’s what he said. “Anya”
He was glad.
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That was Wednesday evening and he left Friday evening.
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My mum, who had been with him, caring for him 24/7 was taking a bath. And my brother and his girlfriend had popped out on errands.
I was making dinner and was also keeping Dad company.
I popped into his room to say hi and drink a cup of tea.
I was just about to leave the room again when his breathing suddenly changed. The nurse had said something about this happening and here it was. There was no mistaking it.
I stroked and kissed his face and reassured him that all was well. Time dissolved, its tricky to describe with words because its all feeling based. But just to tell you that time is a constraint and it’s not really real – in comparison to what was felt when I felt my self as a soul.
All existence seemed to not be here, nor ever have been here!
Here it is.
A poem I wrote about my experience of the moment of his death.
This is what I felt.
This is what was felt, when we crossed over together.
Forever Soul
My first conscious out of body experience – a unifying of Soul’s essence, merging when the body is released.
Body no longer ‘in-service’ or serviceable
transaction complete.
My first conscious experience of LOVE being an essence,
a frequency
something beyond physical
beyond description and words.
My dad was not my dad,
At all.
The first conscious experience of this
My dad as a ‘Being’
A bringer of love light, a radiant constant
A Forever Soul
Forever Presence in All
on the day that the transaction completed
In the moment that the body was declared ‘out of service’.
I realised Our Forever Soul’s always One in intention
Always One in time/space space/time
Our Soul’s essence in all perceptions
I experience You in the face of my teachers,
You, my dad, who presented me with the most stunning gift of clarity
– that moment when we revealed our True Nature and we danced,
In your going out and passing on –
Oh the bliss, dear one ha ha!
that blissful moment when truth was revealed
Did I see you relax, did I see that deeply furrowed brow loosen?
Did I feel your precious burdens evaporate?
Thank you for this story –
To reminisce, to recall on, to understand that:
THIS is possible in life.
We can be physical and ethereal.
We can be incarnate
and feel our Forever Soul’s Presence guiding each moment.
The best gift I thought I never knew I already had ❤️
I dedicate my memories of forever soul’s to all that death touches.
Death is not frightening. The ideas around it can be though. And that’s because we live our lives fearfully.
What a sweet world this could be if we all simply shifted our focus a little more towards love and acceptance of what is. Instead of being so frightened of betrayal, retribution, judgement and being hurt.
Can we shine love on our feelings of inadequacy, of not being enough, and of being too much!
Can we shine loving acceptance into all of the seemingly dark corners of our human psyche.
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And can we be uncensored in our love for ourselves?
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Here’s a quote from A Course In Miracles that really impresses me:
“Of itself the body can do nothing. See it as a means to hurt, and it is hurt. See it as a means to heal, and it is healed.” ~ ACIM, pg 508
In eternal love and service
Anya Ward 